5 Levels of Communication

I've been discussing the 5 levels of communication, which Pastor Nancy told me about, with the lovely Ingrid. In a nutshell, here they are:

1) CLICHES - Typical, routine, oft repeated comments, questions and answers given out of habit and with no real forethought or genuine intent. "How are you?" "Fine." "Having a good day?" "Yes."

(2) FACTS - Information/Statistics about the weather, the office, friends, the news, personal activities, etc. Requires no in depth thinking or feeling.

(3) OPINIONS - Includes concerns, expectations, and personal goals, dreams, and desires. Due to differences of opinion that naturally arise between two people, especially between men and women, this is typically the level at which we run into the "wall of conflict."

(4) FEELINGS - Having gone through the "wall of conflict" via applying the communication skills following, you both feel safe to share your deepest emotions.

(5) NEEDS - The deepest level of communication and intimacy where you feel completely safe to reveal your unique needs with each other. Truly, unless needs are known and met, a couple will remain "strangers."

(Resource: Secrets to Lasting Love, by Gary Smalley)

It seems like many of the women we know operate regularly on levels 4 and 5 with anything less than that being more informational rather than personal and thus less satisfying in terms of "connecting" with another person. This is in contrast with most guys that we know who seem to operate mostly on levels 1 and 2 and sometimes 3 and find that completely satisfying. Perhaps we're biased and our sample field is far from random but again, the differences between the sexes really is baffling.

I thought I'd also include the transcript of Gary Smalley talking about his 6 levels of communication. He's obviously talking to guys in this one as he says about three times at different points why intimate communication with your significant other is so important: sex. She feels close to you, you get sex. It's all about the right motivation. It's hilarious.

Question:
My wife says that our communication is not satisfying, what do I do?
Answer:
So, she doesn’t think you communicate very well. Well, join another
billion men around the world, because most men really don’t know the
levels of communication and what really is satisfying in communication.

So, let me go through six levels of communication, and you can tell me
which ones you’ve touched on in your marriage. But if you go all the
way to the sixth level and go there regularly—ew!—watch how your
wife’s going to say, “Thank you, Honey. Have you changed or what?”
In fact, you know what? This really turns a woman on sexually when
you get to the sixth level, and stay there regularly. All right?
OK. Here are the levels. See where you are in your marriage or in your
friendships.

Level number one: The least satisfying level of communication is
cliques—meaningless words. “Pass the pepper,” you know, or, “Yeah,
I’m fine,” you know. “What was your day like?” “Ah, I’m fine.
Whatever.” And so, it’s just real low level, no conflict at that level at
all. That’s the lowest level of satisfaction.

Level number two: We’re moving down deeper into communication—
sharing facts with one another. “What happened to the President
today?” you know, “What happened in the weather?” “Oh, did you hear
about that tragedy over in Africa?” You know, just sharing facts. Most
people don’t get into big arguments, but you can. But it’s just sort of
weak level. But do you know what? A lot of couples stay on levels one
and two, and then their communication is never satisfying and they
don’t know why. That’s because they’re not moving closer to the sixth
level.

Level number three is when you share your opinions with each other.
Well, most husband and wives and friends have a different opinion
about everything, because of how we were raised, our own beliefs, a
million reasons, personalities. But here’s the key—at the third level of
opinions, you have most of your arguments. Just remember that all
arguments that are in level three are designed for you to go deeper in
your relationship—deeper love. Do you know that all verbal fights are
all doorways to deeper intimacy? The reason being, arguments almost
take you to the last three levels of deep communication, deep
friendship.

And so, when you have a disagreement, what you want to do is move
to the fourth level, which is “what does a person feel about this
argument?” Any time you start sharing your deep feelings—extremely
important guys—don’t even worry about it. Don’t say, “Eh, I don’t like
talking about my feelings.” Most guys aren’t in touch with their
feelings anyway, so you have to get help from your wife even to know
how you feel. But the better you get at sharing your feelings—you
know, “I feel sad,” or “I feel discouraged,” or “I feel fearful,” or “I feel
lonely,” or whatever your feeling—you try to become in touch with it
and share it with your wife. This is like pouring warm oil on her life,
and this is why it causes her to feel so pleasant with you, and actually,
most—a lot of women, wives, will respond to you sexually with you
right at that level. It’s just amazing what that does.

Level number five is when you share your needs. “Honey, you know
what I really need in my life? I need,” you know, whatever you need in
communication. But whatever you need mentally, and educationally,
and physically, and whatever your own personal needs are, personal
needs really help a couple or friends go deeper into their relationship.
And when you do that, it’s just amazing the feeling your wife has,
because she really feels connected to you, close to you, and you feel
closer to her.

And the sixth level, which is really, really important, is when you take
your relationship to your mate’s beliefs, your beliefs, your mate’s
beliefs—when you start uncovering and discovering, “What do you
believe about life?” “What do you believe about God?” “What do you
believe about food?” “What do you believe about your job?” “What do
you believe about your future?” “What do you believe about your
past?”

You know, you’ve got hundreds of beliefs in your heart. And the
deepest love—ever heard someone say, “I love you with all my heart”?
That’s, “I love you with, I believe, everything about me cherishes you.
I crave you.” That’s what love really is. “I crave to be with you. I crave
to serve you. I crave to want to know you. I’m fascinated by you.” But
that’s a belief you have, and, when you share your belief, that’s the
deepest level of communication. And when your wife is hearing your
beliefs, and you’re hearing hers, she’s going to lie in bed at night and
just go, “Woo, do I like this guy or what? I wonder when the next
time’s he going to touch me, so we can be sexually involved?” Watch
what happens. Trust me it works.