A Sieve Like Mine: Bucket List

President Obama, during his stand-up routine at the 2015 White House Correspondents' Dinner, said that after the mid-term elections, he was asked by his advisers if he had a bucket list for the things that he wanted to accomplish during his second term. Obama replied that he had something that rhymed with "bucket list."

I'm taking a page out of Obama's playbook right now as I wait and wait and wait and then wait some more for my paperwork to leave the country. When I first started the process, I was mostly worried about what my work over in Turkey would entail: would I be able to competently teach the classes I was given since they weren't my usual bread and butter comp courses, what was the academic calendar like, how proficient would my students' English levels be, what materials would they have access to, what was the access to technology going to be like, etc. I got some of the questions answered by my contact person there at the university and the embassy but not all and not to the degree of detail that I was used to here. It was stressful and confusing.

Then I went to Washington DC for a pre-departure orientation and met people who worked and lived in Turkey. I met some American teachers who had taught there, and accepted that I would just have to relinquish control over how I thought things were supposed to run or what I thought I should know by this time before moving to a foreign country. Some of them told me that they got there and negotiated their classes so that they ended up teaching something more aligned with their interests. That sounded good, I thought. Someone else told me that schedules were negotiated with instructors and teachers during the first week of class or so. I didn't understand how this happens but I also recognized that there's a different system going on there and it worked for them so just accept it and move on. I put a bunch of things on my bucket list: understand what I'm doing/teaching beforehand? Bucket. Know when school starts and understand how the system worked? Bucket. Have a departure date? Bucket! And for the most part, I think I was able to do it pretty well. Rather than feeling frustrated and stressed, I was easing into acceptance and I wasn't even in-country yet! I felt better mentally about my preparation for life abroad. This was back at the end of August.

Now that it's November and a good 5 months since I started the paperwork for my position and almost two months since my contracted date of employment began, I'm edging towards stressed and frustrated again. Since I really have no idea what is holding up my paperwork, I won't conjecture on what is possibly going on but let's just say that it seemed unimaginable to me 5 months ago that I'd still be waiting right now to leave and yet here I am. Will I ever leave? Should I start unpacking? What will I do when I get there since school started back in September? Should I start making a Plan B? My friend KN is also in the same boat as I am; she's waiting for a visa as well and joked around that we should start a blog for people who were supposed to be in country already and aren't. I told her I had several posts in mind already:

Post 1: “What do you do all day?”
Post 2: “Are you still here?” and other unanswerable questions
Post 3: Moonlighting while waiting to move on
Post 4: “Why won’t they let me leave the country?!”

I think I need to start putting things back onto that Bucket List and get into a different mental space. It's hard because to unpack and to think about rsvp'ing for things implies that I don't think I'll be going anymore, which I neither think is true nor want to believe; however, to be in a continued state of neither here nor there is really grueling. I know I should be grateful for the time to really do pretty much nothing (and I'm quite good at it starting with sleeping something like 9 hours a day) and I am. I wanted a break where I didn't have to teach composition and now I'm getting a true sabbatical where I can learn new things related to my field of study, review my past scholarly interests, and not have to teach at all. All while living at home and getting free room and board so I don't even have to worry about meals. This sort of thing just normally doesn't happen in adult life so I appreciate this time with my parents and them putting up with me as I continue to wait. However, with the days getting wetter, colder, and darker and so much unstructured time, I'm experiencing some existential angst.

Side note: When I told a friend of mine that I was going to work in Turkey for a year, she said that I was going through a mid-life crisis. I asked my co-worker if he thought that was true, and he said that although some people could construe renting out one's condo and moving to Turkey as a mid-life crisis, crisis implies an acute condition and I had more of a lingering ennui. I think that's pretty much spot-on.

So in an effort to curb that existential angst, here goes my new bucket list:

Knowing what tomorrow and the future holds: bucket
Basing my value and identity off my work: bucket
Being productive and useful in the "usual" ways: bucket
Being independent and doing my own thing in my own space: bucket
Being able to plan my time: bucket
Making plans for the holidays: bucket

Whew! I can see more clearly now why all the angst! All of those things are pretty big areas of my life to cede control over. When all of those things are removed, what is left? That is the question that seems left to be answered....

I recently found this poem by Wendell Berry that I had bookmarked back in May that seems appropriate:

Teach me work that honors Thy work

the true economies of goods and words

to make my arts compatible

with the songs of the local birds

Teach me patience beyond work

and, beyond patience, the blest

Sabbath of Thy unresting love

which lights all things and gives rest.

Enough deep thoughts for one days. In the meanwhile, at least I've been able to run regularly and enjoy the fall here in the beautiful PNW. I'll conclude with some of the beauty that I would've missed had I left already: